times like this I often think about our girl . . . this is a happy drawing . . . our girl and her Annie . . . 

11-3-19

I didn't really explain why the drawings were relevant . . .
after his treatment Friday we had a meeting with a chemo nurse. He had to fill out a long questionnaire first. Essentially a psych evaluation. I fill out all his forms as his right hand was broken in a motorcycle accident years ago, a disagreement with a kangaroo, and it didn't recover as well as he expected so writing is difficult. Secretary wifey.
The last question on page one was "what 3 things have you been most concerned about in the last week?". He said "I want to be able to ride a motorcycle after my treatment" and "I am worried about my wifes mental health". Only 2 things not 3. I cried. I continued to cry throughout the meeting with the nurse. How thoughtful they are offering us, me, a psychologist, a grief councellor and a social worker to chat to. Nursey said carers are often overlooked and the hospital tries to keep them in mind . . .  don't worry about me nursey, fix my man!
I did agree to chat with a social worker. Can't hurt.

So my drawings, looking back on them and remembering the feelings I had when I drew them, resonated . . . . I feel dark now, not suicidal dark, just empty dark. Hollow. I'm on autopilot.

We've had 3 days off with the long weekend. Woo hoo. We even had a bbq with 12 people over yesterday. It was just perfect. All our dear friends, and family, chilling on the verandah, watching the birds. Twas a late night for most, me, well as usual I disappeared off to bed early without telling anyone. I do that. My way. He had a great night, said so today.

Tomorrow is Monday, a midday radiation then a catch up with Prof. Syd.

Strangely the Chemo department and Radiation department don't communicate with each other, so we get 2 conflicting appointment schedules. WTF is that about? "just go and tell Radiation you are here and they will fit you in". No. Get your shit together Alfred !

I have drawn up 4 charts and hung them in the kitchen. 1 x  for what he eats so I can let the dietician know I am feeding him healthy food. 1 x for his medication so I get it right. I don't want to use a doset box as I want to get to know his meds and what they are for, and they are bound to change over the coming weeks. I dispense the meds as the nurses do in hospital, reading from a list . . .  works for me. 1 x chart for his temperature, twice a day, if it goes over 37 off to emergency. 1 x chart for his appointments, combining Chemo & Radiation . . .  why they cant do this I just don't know. Maybe it's to keep us on our toes?

He is feeling ok at the moment. Just a bit more fatigued than usual. He has been having snoozes in the afternoon. Nanna naps. Longer than usual and much deeper. He looks sunburnt already, which we were warned about, I need to get some good sunscreen. Sorbolene cream he has to apply a couple of times a day to keep his skin moisturised as it dries out with radiation apparently.

My brain is weary today after our big night last night . . .  so I will leave it here . . .  and find a pretty piece of art to put at the bottom  of this post.

something I did in Art Therapy . . .